This post: I Need A Femdom was inspired by a conversation I was engaged in at our Kinky Social Network: Enchantrix Empire. I’ve spoken about EE before, here on my blog and on The Weekly Hot Spot where I co-host with the delicious Mistress Olivia, of Experienced Mistress. I love it at EE because, unlike many social media options, there is not a lot of negative drama. We are there to enjoy and celebrate each other not scream our indignation into the ether, or bully anyone because of their desires. New members usually “read the room” and fall in line. It doesn’t matter if you are a cock control fan, sissy, exposure slut, or just a fun-loving person, you are all welcome and celebrated! We share not only our desires, and kinks but our lives with each other. It’s a close-knit group, but there’s always room for you!
Bad Behavior Or Ignorant?
With that said, let’s move on to the meat of this post. Member comment. We had a (new) member ask a question recently that garnered some interesting responses. Their question was phrased in a way that is often considered insulting, particularly for those with vaginas. But I don’t think they even realize how insulting. It’s quite possible this person didn’t intend to be off-putting. I’ve had plenty of thoughtless comments and when you take the time to discuss with the offender it turns out they were clueless that they came off as rude or insulting. I understand it’s possible, after all, males treat other males with a great deal of disrespect that’s meant for bonding. “Hey A$$hole!” when two male friends greet each other isn’t unusual in a casual setting, right? How often have you heard females similarly greet each other? Not often. But guys, in this scenario you are looking for a Femdom, and those communication styles need to be sensitive to how she perceives it so you can get what you want! AKA: Our ball, our field, you play by our rules!
Opportunity To Assist
So, I think this is a perfect opportunity for education, enlightenment, and an opportunity for your serious contemplation. I am going to assume this person has submissive tendencies or is “new to this”. Submissive they may want to be (they were seeking Dominant Women) but the words they chose to use were less than submissive. I think the comment is trending on misogyny by discounting and questioning what and why we do what we do! But no one bashed him or insulted him but offered our point of view to educate and inform and perhaps give them food for thought. You know “mature and reasonable” (something lacking “out there” these days)
So, to be fair let’s keep in mind the following considerations. Was he acting out of ignorance, or is what I read poor submissive behavior? Hell the submissive part, it can be considered poor social behavior. Before you get your underpants in a knot, I’m not insulting anyone. There is nothing inherently insulting about being ignorant. I am not trying to humiliate you. It just means you are not knowledgeable about something. Saying someone is stupid, is an insult because it implies you are incapable of learning. So let’s dig into it, shall we?
How I Perceive Most Of Your Behavior
Before we get to what was asked, let me give you a peek from my perspective. I think many of you know me by now, and although I love men, cocks, and kink, I don’t take other people’s behavior (in general) personally as I feel how you conduct yourself, what you say is more of a reflection upon the person YOU are vs who I am. For the most part, other people’s opinions of me, is not something I focus on.
So I find it easy to let many things slide off my back, like water on a duck! I also know how challenging it is for the person with a throbbing cock, to remain considerate, polite, and logical when it’s screaming for attention and control! That’s not an excuse to be so crass. I am letting you know I realize it’s challenging. So my fallback thinking when viewing his challenging message is along the lines of “Oh poor thing, look at you .. silly one, you get more flies with honey, sugar!
But My mindset isn’t for everyone and many Mistresses have little tolerance for perceived disrespect. Bad Move, Fella, real bad. But please don’t feel I’m bashing anyone, it’s not my intent. Perhaps to bust balls a bit if you find yourself behaving similarly but I feel it’s a matter of education for many Y chromosomes, and I want to help you!
Do Mistresses Here Like Kink Or Just Here For The Money
Wow, right? This was the question they asked. If you don’t understand why some might be taken aback by the above, I implore you to read on, you NEED to hear what I have to say!
Do you read the judgment and touch of misogyny in this sentence? First, our friend feels it is one or the other. Either we like kink (and implies We should give away interaction for free, cause “SEX”) and indicate “Just for the money’. Why does it have to be mutually exclusive? It isn’t. I love kink and I love making a living from my experience and skills!
Raise your hand if you love what you do and you earn a living from it!
For those who didn’t raise your hand to the above question: Raise your hand if you are resentful of those who make a living at what they love to do!
Think about it, we can turn the tables and apply it to male-dominated “FUN” activities; Do all professional football players play because they love the sport, or do they just do it for the money? Hits a bit differently doesn’t it? Of course, you would say “BOTH”! So why can’t it be both, for Women? Serious question: Have you, ever heard of a man saying similar about another man’s career?
Subtle Misgonoy
You see, this is one real example of how preconceived notions about how women are allowed to conduct themselves by the patriarchy leak in conversations. Men and women are indeed judged by different standards. Now in some respects that might be warranted, Medical care, we are finding out more and more why some Western medicine doesn’t work for women because all of the testing for drugs and medical care was done on MEN! However, that doesn’t apply in this case. Now for those who don’t think the statement is dripping with judgment and misogyny let me offer an alternative question that demonstrates a mature, reasonable query to acquire the same information without letting your frustrated cock-indignation shine through!
“Are all the Mistresses here professional Mistresses? I’m looking for an in-person one-on-one D/s relationship.”
*drop mic*
Other less-than-welcoming comments have been “Wow, you are really smart!” is it a surprise to you that a sex worker can have a modicum of intelligence? Or maybe it’s because I have a vagina? Not sure, but stop it! LOL
Instead, you might say “I appreciate your knowledge on the subject”
“You know a lot about human behavior, YOU should be a therapist” Sounds innocent enough, right? However, the mere fact that I was told what I should be doing as a grown-ass Woman, by you, is insulting. It insinuates that somewhere in your testosterone-flooded brain that what I do isn’t “GOOD ENOUGH” in your eyes, and that “I could do better”. How do you convey encouragement without being insulting? How about:
“I am impressed with your knowledge about behavior, you seem to enjoy it! Have you ever considered going into the mental health field?”
I think you are picking up, what I’m putting down, yes? I forgive you if you have ever thought or spoken in the style above. Chances are, if you do flub and say something less than complimentary, depending on what was said I might gently bust your balls, just laugh, or ignore you. As mentioned above, I’m not going to get my panties that far up my crack because you are a bit crass, or ignorant. But you will learn, and I’ll teach you.
Y Chromosomes And Communication
There are studies abound that compare the communication styles between men and women and if you are seeking a Dominant woman you are best to be aware of some “conditioned” modes of conversation you were taught were “appropriate for a man”, and keep them in check. They may not be appropriate here. To help you retrain that brain and to get what you ultimately want, take heed.
A fun look at the subject is here in this episode: “How To Find a Pro Domme And Not Mess it Up!” We spoke with Ms Mia Darque and she has some very good tips for you! So listen in and take note!
Man Speak/ Submissive Speak
Man Speak |
Submissive speak |
| Do A CFNM scene where you slap and spit on me | Mistress, I am looking for someone mean and strict who will slap and spit in my face. Would it be pleasing to you, for me to submit to you this way? |
| Why Do I have to do “___________” | Mistress, thank you for the task, can you help me understand your desires and needs for this task? |
| Asking 40 questions via Skype and text before the session | Mistress, I am interested in “_________” If I could please you this way I would love to call you and explore! Let me know what information you need from me, I will provide it! |
| Describe what you would do to me (outside of the session) | Just don’t. Do. Not. Ever. ask this question, it is disrespectful and you are asking for free (compensatable) interaction in a subversive way, I recognize this and it does not sit well with me. Plus it makes you look like a jerk with a stick |
| DOMINATE ME any way you want! (first session no negotiation) | “Mistress, I’m an experienced kinkster into a lot of kinks, would it please you to know more?” OR “Mistress I don’t know what I want, I’m new can we explore? |
| Why are you not on for sessions “Day/time” | Mistress, what are the best times to session with you |
| I was looking for you and you were not there for me | Oh Mistress, I missed you can we set up a session? I’m so desperate for your control |
| That’s right there’s nothing. Don’t be a mute! If I ask questions and if you are unsure just be vulnerable and say so! It’s ok not to know. I want to get to know you, I can’t do that unless you are equally engaged | |
| You are having fun! Why do I need to pay? | The question itself is insulting, and there is no good way to ask without looking like a jerk-wad. You need to understand and realize we are professionals, just like all the professional people you employ daily who have the skills you seek. Just because we are not mainstream or have a vagina doesn’t automatically entitle you to benefit from our skills without compensation. When was the last time you asked your plumber “Why do I need to pay?” |
In Conclusion
I hope this post gave you some food for thought about how you can get exactly what you are seeking! The attention and control of a Dominant Mistress. Other tips are to keep your out-of-session communications concise, and short. During a busy day, if I open your email and its wall of text, I will save it as “NEW” to get to later as I often find myself jumping from session to quick tasks and back again. Knowing it will take time to read, absorb, and respond to long messages puts your email off until later.
If you are like our friend here, looking for an in-person connection with a Dominant Woman, who isn’t a professional I can help with that as well! I’ve been very helpful to many, not only to train you in anticipation of the relationship but also how to find her! If you have any questions or want to discuss this further, you can comment below, send an email, or better yet let’s discuss this in session! I am here to help!
Until We Chat
Wow… Even tho i strive to be polite and respectful to You, and the other Mistresses. Dominant Women and Women in general. You have me giving myself a little, self reflection. Could i have phrased something i said or asked for more appropriately? How can i make sure to always show You and other Mistresses the respect You deserve.
Thank You for the food for thought Ms Erika.
hands, you are a well developed submissive. Respect and deference comes naturally to you, because you always think and convey those thoughts of “how do I please you”
it is in your mind and it shows! I will let you know if you ever say anything off putting. ????????
and i’ll know it, by the sound of the paddle on my owned ass. LOL. ????????
LOL and what a fine ass it is!
Dear Mistress Erika,
I am very glad for this article. I noticed the post you mentioned, and I was quite horrified… I was thinking what to write, I wanted to defend you and now I’m sorry I didn’t respond. One would have to be blind and deaf and totally out of it to write something like that even if he was here just for a while.
I’ve only been in your magical world for a short time, but just by your warm welcome it was clear to me that you enjoy it, that you do your work because you love it and give it your all even when you don’t have to. Someone here once said to me: “You have time, no one will push you into anything you don’t want, take your time. And even if you never have a session, you will always be welcome here. ” I appreciate it so much, I appreciate all your love, I appreciate your empathy, your teasing…
When I was sad and… I confided, immediately you, Mrs. Erica, along with many other amazing women, rushed to my aid and my day brightened…
After all, it goes without saying that we all have our jobs, and as you write, most of us do them because we relate to them. I can’t do something for a long time that I don’t enjoy.
My endless thanks to you and all the wonderful Mistresses here for your great work.
I’ve been here for about a month now and it feels like home. And that’s thanks to all of you who care about the well being of this beautiful place.
THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!
I really don’t know how to describe my sympathy better way as my English is quite pure…
Casandra!
Don’t be horrified, look none of us are perfect. Do I always say and do the most perfect right thing? Nope! I’m human I will flub too.
But I like to think I’m thoughtful and considerate and when I flub I learn from it.
It just seems that the male species sometimes needs things really spelled out in clear language for them to grasp it, it’s OK. I’m happy to help
But make not mistake, although I’m a mature and reasonable person when it comes to verbal missteps don’t fucking push it. I’m not a doormat and you might find
yourself engaging with a hellcat.
Not that I’m talking TO YOU Casandra, I know english is not your first language.
“YOU” In the above means any rando male/person who wants to try and test my reasonableness. As much as I am helpful, I also have
little tolerance for repeated tom-fuckery in this area.
Hi Goddess Erika, I always try to treat you with the respect you deserve. ????♂️????♂️????♂️????♂️ Reading this post got me wondering if i ever phrased something like that by accident.
slave, you absolutely do! You have a submissive mind, I am unsure if you have the capacity to be rude! LOL
Mistres Erika,
I didn’t mean to imply that you’re going to let it all slide because you’re wise and empathetic, just that it’s not mutually exclusive.
On the contrary, you can get your act together and that’s what shows maturity.
What I meant to say is that I really appreciate your work and the way you have received me here at EE.
Sometimes it’s so hard to express what I feel with a translator in my hand…
I also appreciate you very much for being able to balance both sides well…????
Please forgive me if this came out differently than I intended….
I didn’t think you meant that dear Casandra……. ????????all is good, cupcake
Valuable and important post Mistress Erika…I
Especially loved the translations of phrases… I’m sure we all could use such reminders of how to properly address a Goddess and remember our place
Thank you dickless! Someone once told me that you have to put the dots real close together for Y chromosomes! Ever since I started doing
that, everything (well most things LOL ) fell into place! It’s true! If Y’all need me to slow the bus down, and offer a “bit of help” to resolve issues I’m all for it.
I much rather get what I want than constantly banging my head against a wall, frustrated and upset as to “Why guys don’t get it”
I’d rather be happy, than resentful.
Well said, Mistress Erika. I humbly admit to once, in my younger days, getting a slap on the wrist from a Mistress with whom I was commicating with to excess. It was a polite slap, and I changed my behavior.
Not excusing any bad bahavior, I too saw that post and understood it’s intent, but everyone sees the world from their own view. Many can step back and take a less biased, more honest view of the landscape and act accordingly.
Women and men (applying generalities here) think, feel, emote, and emote differently. But, you are correct, “read the room”.
keeping my comments brief. 😉
Hi WS, well whoever it was that trained you I owe a thank you to! ????????Because when I met you , you were already concise and respectful of my time!
It is true that everyone interprets communication with their own filters. What I intend to convey is “If you are not getting what you need, check yo mouth!”
It’s a difficult lesson to learn, males.
I understood their intent too, as crass as it appeared to be. Knowing this person has not had success getting what they want, then perhaps bringing to his (and others who are not getting what they want) style
of communication suggesting that it is one of the reasons why he hasn’t found what he wants.
After all, historically and the majority of all creatures it is the male of the species that needs to conform, appease the female to gain access to mating. Just because mating may or may not occur, doesn’t trouble that cock or balls at all. It’s your biological directive to court, please and procure. Friend here is still trying to figure out the courting part! ????????
Hey ms Erika! Long time no chat/calls. Lots have been going on as I’ve not been able along with dressing up as a girl. I’ve started permanent laser hair removal. This will be better as I won’t have to try and squeeze in waxings that have gone on for over 20 years. I can wear my bras/panties/dresses/slips as they will feel sooo good against my girlish soft smooth skin!!! I’ll call soon. Hope all is well!
Yumm! YES ????????
Dear Ms E., ever since I first noticed You here on the LDW pages, I have become convinced that You are a notably gentle and considerate Mistress. Hence, the way in which You wrote this piece was no surprise to me. I was a little surprised that You felt You needed to write it, but until today I didn’t realise how much foolish language/behavior from Y chromosomes You plainly have encountered.
Thank You for giving us the benefit of all that instruction!
Hi Mr. Tea bag!
Thanks for leaving a comment. Your impression of me is spot on! I can be gentle and considerate I also know that I engage with males on a daily basis who seem clueless as to why
they are not achieving what they want/need.
I felt I needed to write this FOR YOU, for “Men” to clue them in on possible “clueless behavior” so to help them achieve what they want. Tides are turning fella’s , it’s no longer the rule of the penis, and we (females) must acquiesce to their rule. It’s the wise man who understands and evolves.
What you read in this blog is just the surface, as a Female I’ve had to deal with MUCH WORSE behavior!
GOOGLE labour
Song by Paris Paloma
and the lyric version
Mistress, I certainly hope I haven’t slipped up in any of these ways, if so I apologize, I try to be a proper sub’, after all, you deserve the best.
Humbly
bs, poME
Thank you BS, as you know I am not afraid to call you out if so. You serve me and my friends beautifully!
damn. I am guilty of some many instances of the bad manners you covered without even realizing. this post opened my eyes. thank you for stating what should have been very obvious. can I plead that sometime I am such an airhead…?
LOL Hi carlie! Thank you for having an open mind and willing spirit! LOL let me know how the airhead excuse works for you!!
Empress Erika,
i just “learnt sumthin” frm You and Yours.
Thanks to all
lauren
a.k.a. crazy larry
Yea you did, didn’t ya! ????????
Ms Erika,
I truly hope I have never been rude or impolite to you in anyway. I know and have always known how intelligent you are.
curtsey, kneels
you make me feel special everyday and I can’t thank you enough for my education and training
Don’t worry belinda, I’ll let you know “IF”
???????? now go and sashay that pretty dress over to the ladies and see if they would like some tea!
twirl twirl swishes over to the LDW ladies, hello Superiors would any of you desire a cup of tea? curtsey
????????????????Good gurl belinda! YAY!